Shame
Shame is ... (continue later) Particularly for Aspies, shame is something we learn to feel from a very young age. Being generally on the "low-support" regions of the Autism spectrum means that we have worked extremely hard to try to overcome our difficulties and it generally means we have extremely high expectations of ourselves that we work hard to reach. The gap between our expectations and reality is what we experience as 'shame'. The perfectionistic nature of Aspies and the incredibly high standards we set for ourselves when we are high-functioning lead to a lot of disappointments, which we can experience as shame, particularly if you grow up with no knowledge of the Autism spectrum. Asperger's and Isolation Feeling "different" to others is always a big source of shame. Especially when there are obvious reasons for your not fitting in, such as being from an immigrant familyAutism, ethnicity and maternal immigration http://bjp.rcpsych.org/content/196/4/274. Further, when you feel like a "nerd" or social outcast and have a deep need to be accepted, this can be exacerbated. (TW: ableist slur, r-slur) This reddit post captures the feelings of undiagnosed AS well: "Born 1961, went to therapists in the 1970's. AS didn't even begin to be recognized until the 1990's. This hurt me. I was the kid that didn't fit it in. At all. But schoolteachers and experts just didn't know why. Whispers of "is he retarded? No, there's just... Something wrong with him"." Sexual Shame It seems that Autism Spectrum people are more vulnerable to dangerous sexual behaviours, particularly if undiagnosed. This article points out that: "there is a subset of our population who is very vulnerable to the illegal pornography that’s online today. Some know it’s wrong, and go down the path anyway. Others don’t really understand what they are doing. Few of these people are truly threats to the public, yet all end up in terrible trouble when they run up against the law. If you meet some of these people— as I have—it's impossible to lump them in the same box with other sex offenders. The autistic folks I have met were not predatory, nor were they violent. None had engaged in physical sex acts— all were viewing material online. The thing that troubled me the most is that none of the individuals I met really understood what they had done, or why until later therapy revealed those answers." The author (an Aspie, himself) gives several interesting reasons, including: "Reason 1: Developmental delay may align young adults with kids. Many people with autism experience significant developmental delays, and those delays are often imbalanced and even offset by exceptionalities in other areas. For example, when I was twelve, I had the language skills of a college professor with the social intelligence of a five-year-old. That caused me to do many stupid things, but I explained myself so well (while being totally clueless inside) that adults thought I was putting them on. Harmless as that was, it shows the disparity between emotional and logical development that can exist in a person with autism." "Reason 2: Weak Theory of Mind can make it hard to know right from wrong. Adults with autism develop logic-based moral structures, but teens are not old enough for those notions to be fully developed. In comparison to typically developing kids, their sense of what's appropriate and right may be very weak. I’ll give you a real-world example. A teen with Asperger’s wanted to know more about some of the girls at his school. So he took a small webcam and installed it in the shower one evening, hidden under a towel. He downloaded half a dozen shower scenes before the camera was discovered and he was caught. The school administrators called the police, and he was arrested and charged. In the eyes of the law, he was viewing illegal porn when he watched those videos. Today, he is a convicted sex offender. Prior to trial, he said he knew what he was doing was wrong, but I believe lack of Theory Of Mind kept him from fully understanding how his actions would affect the girls (they were traumatized); how it would affect him (potential incarceration); and how his behavior would affect everyone else around him." "Reason 4: Autism can isolate us, and we may become desperate for human contact. Desperate people do things others would never consider. The worst way this may manifest itself is in suicide, and suicide attempts. Loneliness and isolation can kill. Isolation is often mentioned when teen suicide is reported. Isolation and the need to connect can also induce people to turn online. Thanks to the Internet, many young people form online friendships and relationships of all sorts. Some even engage in online sex. What about the people whose disabilities preclude forming those kinds of connections? They may look online for pornography, and if they venture into the wrong areas of that world, they may find a world of trouble." I relate strongly to all of this and reading it has been incredibly shocking to have such personal experiences reflected back at me as common to other Aspies. I wish that I had the resources to know about these things when I was younger, which is a large part of why I am writing this wiki. The combined stigma around both Autism and sex/porn addiction makes this issue one that is truly not talked about, and is possibly a major factor in sex crimes worldwide, including paedophilia, which could lead to a huge reduction if we are willing to consider new approaches. Links: https://aspergersandmeblog.wordpress.com/2013/04/15/shame/ https://musingsofanaspie.com/2013/08/07/the-one-where-i-talk-to-myself-about-shame/ Self-Pity Self-pity is a manifestation of shame whereby the negative feelings do not contribute to growth or awareness of how to change, but rather feed into rumination about how terrible the ashamed person feels and (often) how terrible they are as a person. Tumblr user, JenRoses offers the following advice in a post on self-pity as a manipulation tool and how to avoid falling into self-pity when someone offers criticism: "1. Someone offers criticism (constructive or not!) 2. Listen and think about it without immediately trying to defend yourself. You can say, “Okay, I need a moment to take that in and think about it because I want to understand it.” ... Most people will appreciate that you are thinking about their words instead of immediately getting defensive or counterattacking. Think about whether what they are saying is valid, might be valid or is not valid. 3A. ... Start by acknowledging the validity of the criticism, and then say what you’re going to do to fix it, or say that it’s valid but it isn’t something you’re willing (or possibly able) to change, or say that it’s a valid criticism and you’ll need to think about possible solutions. They may have a suggestion. Taking it or not is also a choice. 3B. If you’re not sure it’s valid, but it might be, tell them, “I really need to give this some more thought.” or “Can you tell me more about this? I’m not sure I understand the issue well.” Or “If you can point me at some reading material or search terms, I’d like to study this before I decide what I’m going to do.” 3C. If you know it is not a valid criticism, STOP a moment, and look at WHY they are making it. This is where Active Listening can be very helpful. “I hear you saying that X is a problem. I don’t see it that way right now but I’d like to understand better why you do.” Or if you think they don’t have enough information, “I hear you saying X, but my understanding of the issue is Y. Here’s what I know about it if you’re ready to listen.” ... 4. If the criticism is something you are going to listen to and take action on, tell them what kind of action you’re going to take. If it’s something you’re hearing and thinking about, tell them that. If it’s not something you’re going to do anything about or it’s just wrong, thank them for their input and move on." Gender Journeying Towards Pride - Victorian Women's Network By Jordan Raskopoulos, 2nd October, 2017 "Why is gender identity lumped in with sexual preference and people who are intersex? Aren’t they different things? And the answer is really quite simple. We stand together because we all share the experience of living in a society that encourages us to be ashamed of who we are. This is why pride is such an important word for our community because pride is the opposite of shame. And the journeys of queer people are quite often journeys from shame towards pride. For me, I was ashamed of being trans and I tried to hide it, ignore it and wish it away. I reached a point where I had to accept it and do something about it and I could have stopped there. I could have ducked away from public life, hidden my trans status and attempted to live my life masquerading as a cisgender person. But I decided to continue on my journey and I’m now at the point where I’m proud. I like being trans. It’s really hard sometimes, but on the whole being trans is bloody excellent." Articles https://francescaredden.com/sacred-journey-healing-shame-wounds/ http://www.huffingtonpost.com/jill-di-donato/the-shame-spiral_b_5167300.html Journal April 2016: Shame was a very early feature of my life. I think most babies deal with immense shame. They don't understand why bad things happen or why they feel certain ways and their natural instinct is that they are the cause of everything they perceive. This shame often persists in kids until they are able to communicate more and understand the world is not all about them, and hence they shouldn't feel shame for every imperfection in the world. As an Aries Sun and Taurus Moon I was perhaps destined to persist longer than most kids through this self-centred and shame-filled period of life known as the narcissistic phase of childhood. References Category:Psychology Category:Mental Health